Saturday, December 29, 2007

lights. camera. action. and scene.


i am sorry you are so sarcastic all of the time
and you will not find truth
and you will feel insecure about sincerity
and you will guard yourself from vulnerability
so much
and all that guarding will tear you down inside

you and all of your stimulants
"take a picture of me
i look so pretty
and they are with me
and this is the time of my life"
you wake up so confused

and everything beautiful is nothing to you
unless it's something to everyone else.

fashion is the sword in your hand
and deep down you're unhappy
so plunge that sword a little deeper
in your chest
and rip it out
and plunge it deeper again
so you feel something
besides the alcohol and nicotine
pulsing through your papery veins.
sweatbands and robots and love songs,
beer connoisseurs and artists and lovers
and secrets and lies and lies.

say you don't try
but you try so damn hard.
i see it in the darkness
that has made its home
on your face
beneath your eyes.
wake up, dear sleepers,
life is to live in the daytime.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

the lies that the devil tells us



you are dirty even when you are clean
smile, the tar is between your teeth
you're farther from grace than you're used to
oh the lies that the devil tells us

the smell of smoke lingers on your breath
from the burning that can't be put out inside you
rotting from the inside out
and He doesn't smile when He looks upon you

the hands, large and threatening
bear claws ripping at your zippers and buttons
they want to undress you
that is the measure of your worth

no one will see you for who you are
that pretty face hides an empty shell and
at the heart, you're nothing but a slut in sheep's clothing
these are the lies that the devil tells us.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

glasses (words i might regret, later)


hand me a pair of rose-colored
glasses

so i can slip them on,
resting gently on my nose and ears,
so i can see my toes curling over the edge
as something beautiful
something intentional
and masterfully orchestrated,
like the moments before a dance
toes tickling as they just barely touch
the side of the stage,
the curtain is rising...

or maybe just even my slightly prescripted glasses
would do, too.
my head is dizzy,
part of me is going blind
and i feel on the edge
of something i cannot stop,
a train growing icy cold
snowballing in speed
dangerous, oh
and my jeans are frozen to the hard plastic seat.

and i just want someone to dance with
but i want to see this for what it really is.

"take care"
those words resonate in my head
so casual and we know it stands
for so many other things
we can't say.
they say to me
"i can't care about you like i did"

i hope you know i kissed someone else
and i thought to myself,
his lips against mine,
you deserved it more.

take care.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

the shakes


my bones seem brittle
and my blood thin
a little caffeine in my veins
still pulsing from nine a.m.

and the tension
unfortunate
the social situations
where no one has read, yet,
a different side of the story.

i am a bit weary, but i don't mind it
my heart is speed racing but, maybe, i like it.
i can't find focus...
hello?

i want to just lay my head down
just to rest a while
and slip into some
thick green grass home
where i see with such new eyes

things magnificent...
like the pluming handsome feathers
of a hazy hosts' wings
glowing gold, like majesty,
glowing so close to me
shining on head
as i lay prostrate on the ground.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

character sketch - neenah


Her hair was a beautiful shade of muted white, still thick as it was in her earlier years. She kept it neatly tucked into a bun at the nape of her neck, allowing a few delicate tendrils to fall over her shoulders. She made it a point to always be presentable .. "You never know just who you will meet," she'd say with a laughter in her face, "and that may be the only impression they will ever have of you!" Though she had lived through wars of many kinds, she emanated a kind of innocence, of youth.. a kind of hope..almost as if she had never seen and experienced so many injustices in life.

So she'd make it a point to keep her old floral dresses and shawls softly pressed, as to have them fall over body her without wrinkle. That would never last long, of course, with grandchildren crawling over her, fighting for the prime seating on her knee.
"Tell us another story, Neenah! Pleeeeease!" There were seven of them, ranging from three to thirteen, the eighth grandchild on his (or her) way. And each one felt equally loved by her, each in different ways only a Neenah could know how to love. She smiled her familiar smile, the wrinkles on her face falling into their places as she surveyed her humble audience. Ever so tenderly, she hushed them, creating an anticipation as thick as the air of a Kentucky summer. Every eye stayed on her, excitedly awaiting what was about to come to life. She, in her eighty-some years, commanded the room effortlessly.

Her eyes closed in reverie. Slowly, steadily, she took a deep breath in, and smiled. She had so many stories to tell.

All in an instance she began to speak of distant lands (few of them to which she had actually been), childhood adventures (romanticized, of course), and how she fell in love with Pawpaw (which needn't be romanticized at all). Her cheeks would grow a shade of rose, and as she waived her hands through the air in gestures, the smell of her lotion would fill the air. She still found adventure. She created adventure in the lives of her children and grandchildren. And everyone in her presence felt like they were home.

Yes, even her own children, though in their thirties and forties, would watch from a distance and listen. Something inside of them arose from the soot and ashes, something came alive. They remembered these stories. They looked at their own children sitting wide-eyed, with their mouths slightly gaped open, and remembered the feeling of pure, unadulterated belief. If the bills were waiting to be paid, if the business deal had fallen through (again), if the dry-cleaning needed to be picked up A.S.A.P.. it was all insignificant for just a moment. Not forgotten. No, no..never forgotten. But not so important anymore. There was some matter more pressing. As her simple, magical words were spoken to life, these children felt great hope and great loss all in one swift blow. Hope, that there was still the adventure of life and living inside of them..and loss, that somehow, somewhere along the way, they had stopped really living.

3.19.07, from spring


My hand reaches through the sunroof
inspired by the melody I hear.
I am surprised when I find
no sharp cold greeting me today.

I grab Spring in my hand and
open my fingers again
to feel the wind pass through.
Right here and right now
feels really right today.

My 6-disc changer sings me this simple tune,
and the sounds compliment how I feel now,
as shadows move across my face,
shadows from the sun setting behind the pines.
I'd rather not wear sunglasses now.

I want to capture every fading color
and close my eyes for the quickest moment,
tilt my head back
feel in flight.
I know these roads well, so it's all right.

The tune compliments the touch of the wind
the touch of a mild March afternoon
the feel of my hair across my face.
My windows are finally open again
and right here, right this moment
seems so right today.

Each note compliments the sound
of neighbor's lawn mower.
I smell cut grass and gasoline.
And I can hear God speak
through the blackbirds all taking flight together
Above me, around me,
swirling to the crescendos of this music
and it makes me feel small.

from when i was...


he threw dogwood petals up into the air
all around me, in showers of springtime and laughter
stuck in my hair, i didn't mind keeping them there
to remind me of the love that grew
that sunday afternoon
a garland of reverie around my head.
dangerous, he being so shy of me
but his love was true then, truer still now
when he took my hand and the wind sang
through my hair in approval of the scene
"nothing so pure
nothing so right
nothing so good" was his melody.
i believe part of me fell in love then
yes, it fell on a sunday
breezy, dogwood treesy, weak in the kneesy
i am in love.

daydreamer


today i keep spacing out
and everything comes back to reality
from time to time, like an alarm clock
on an unwelcome weekday morning
interrupting a nonsensical dream that i can't remember
but i know i love, somehow.

maybe it's because i'm so tired
or perhaps just excited about things to come
that are close at hand
like a road-trip to the beach
with friends and a bag of cheetos.

in anthropology i kept imagining
the wall opening up behing the teacher
like a capsule, and i could crawl in, undetected,
and fall asleep in it's lavender scented sheets
while the teacher continued on about
the Jnu/'honsi or the Nuer or something.

and all the while this song keeps playing
in my head. it's so loud and wonderful
that i can't hear the things going on around me...
just every cymbol and midi sample
every drive of the melody.

and i picture red balloons free-floating in the sky
and how, how much i would like to be them now.

in may



how do i feel today?
warm, the sun is heating my legs
and i know i'm coming away, head up
from a hope left lost,
hopeful, knowing Love with never
lose me.
today is beautiful,
sweaty in the back seat of a truck
bound for tomorrow,
a tomorrow i don't know but trust
while drinking sweet tea
through a soda straw drinking
moments in through these five feet,
eight inches of body and
too-brown two eyes,
every moment, no matter the feeling
it gives me.
today is beautiful, so long as i
have moments to live.

Monday, November 19, 2007


oh my, daylight comes
earlier than it did yesterday.

save the hours.
oh, the pressure to make it last
let's make it last

like honey in your tea and
the sweet lingers on your lips.

[so let's live in the english countryside
so we can have tea-time every day
and watch the snow fall start in October and
stay the winter with us.]

Thursday, November 15, 2007

thoughts with live jazz.


nap day.
rest to keep my toubling mind quiet.

i lie down beside my fences,
i will not advance them now.
.
i miss you, gentleman.
my heart has quite taken to the ground

where i lay my heavy head
on the grass' cool blades.

let's go


i need a

deep tissue massage.

some cleansing.

hunger and satisfaction.

light the candles.

wash my mascara off,

no veil

oh, some beauty that pulses free.

chamomile warm in my hand,

honey on my tongue.

skin is my best color.


it's better that i don't speak.

my heart just needs a little healing.

(in the fashion of st.francis)


open my eyes to see all the beautiful things of today.

i don't want to miss what You see.

and may i walk at a slower pace

and see to someone elses needs

before i tend to myself.

take the weariness from my eyes,

i just want to see You,

a sweet autumn romance

springs alive in me.

tomato soup


i can picture us being together in a shanty apartment

filled with satisfaction, love, god, and



tomoato soup i can see us laying on the hand-me-down couch

an old grape jelly stain

you, with a guitar on your lap and me with a smile, us




singing lightly, hill tunes to a red brick wall

the skyscrapers are our hilltops for a time and

we have so little.

i am happy here.

float away


take me away in a big red balloon.

breathe in air that sears our lungs with life,

while we free-float above the earth

away from here

a tiny speck along the cotton backdrop.


yes, we'll float away,

far a-way into the clouds.

we'll fall lightheaded, oh,

to sleep and wake up

a thousand miles from where we started.'

my hot hot head.


i feel chubby.

fat-full with disdain

and consumerism

and nachos.


undesired.

unappreciated.

unnoticed.

(I've got to take care of me

and only me)

bullshit.

do i really believe that?


achey.

volcanoes on my faces,

oh these hellish places

in my hot hot head.